SOS – Survivors of Suicide
In the last week, I’ve spoken with a few fellow survivors of suicide. A fellow survivor named Cathy lost her boyfriend a mere three weeks ago. My heart goes out to you, Cathy. You are not alone. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In an effort to reach out and help Cathy (and others), I decided it was time to post a list specifically geared to help survivors of suicide.
The term SOS explained
For those of you not familiar with the term survivor of suicide – let me explain the meaning. First, I will explain what the phrase does not mean. Survivor of suicide is not used to describe a person who attempts suicide but does not complete the act. Rather, the term describes loved ones left behind to mourn after the tragedy of suicide.
In my article, Suicide: Part 1 – Facts & Warning Signs, I stated “It is estimated that each suicide intimately affects at least 6 other people (the Survivors of Suicide) and up to 100 people that is anywhere between 200,000 and 3 million American affected each year.”
Suicide changes millions of lives. MILLIONS of lives…
Meet Iris Bolton
Iris lost her son to suicide in 1977. She has been instrumental in pioneering a counseling movement to support bereaved families after a death by suicide. Iris is Director Emeritus at The Link Counseling Center in Georgia, she earned a Master’s degree in suicidology, wrote a book called My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide (I just received a copy of this book in the mail yesterday) and is the author of the list titled 25 Tips for Survivors of Suicide.
Even though I am a survivor of suicide, Iris has many more years of experience and education relating to this issue. I felt her list would offer the most insight and wisdom to survivors.
I have not had the opportunity to meet Iris, although she kindly allowed us to publish her Tips for Survivors of Suicide here at Giggle On.
Thank you Iris for reaching out to help a fellow survivor like me and for allowing me to publish your list for the benefit of others. I hope to have the opportunity to meet you in person!
25 Tips for Survivors of Suicide
- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
- Struggle with “why” it happened until you no longer need to know “why” or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
- Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal.
- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy-you are in mourning.
- Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself.
- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do.
- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.
- Remember to take one moment or one day at a time.
- Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.
- Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.
- Give yourself time to heal.
- Remember the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life.
- Expect setbacks. Don’t panic if emotions return like a tidal wave. You may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
- Try to put off major decisions.
- Give yourself permission to get professional help.
- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.
- Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.
- Set your own limits and learn to say no.
- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
- Know that there are support groups, which can be helpful, such as The Compassionate Friends.
- Call on your personal faith to help you through.
- It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief; i.e. headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, etc.
- The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. [Giggle On!]
- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go.
- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and go beyond just surviving.
SOS Meetings in Delaware
The Mental Health Association of Delaware sponsors SOS (Survivor’s of Suicide) meetings in the state. For schedule and location information, call (302) 654-6833 or send an email to Bonita A. Benson at bbenson (at) mhainde (dot) org.
My good friend, Kelli Karlton, is the new facilitator for the Delaware Support Group for Survivors of Suicide. Congrats Kelli – great job organizing this SOS group! The first DSG-SOS meeting is April 6, 2009.
Contact Kelli Karlton for more information.
SOS Meetings outside of Delaware
Suicide Prevention Action Network Suicide Survivor’s Page
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Support Group Page
American Association of Suicidology Suicide Survivor’s Page
Remember, Don’t Give Up! Find a Way to Giggle On!
Related articles:
Survivor Q & A: Annie DiMattia
Walk to beat depression and suicide
Middle Aged-Women Drive Suicide Risk
Wilmington’s Out of the Darkness Walk
- the foundation for full blown fits of belly-aching laughter; laughter in an uncontrolled, silly or giddy way; to laugh repeatedly with short spasmodic sounds in a light manner.
22 responses so far ↓
1
Tina T
// Mar 5, 2009 at 11:10 pm
It’s great that you’re writing about this and helping to raise awareness. I had never heard the term Survivor of Suicide until the other day when a woman was speaking to the parents group at our school about how her son is still healing after finding his best friend after he hung himself. Her son is still a wreck 6 years later, and it did shock me how this one event was so far reaching in how many people it affected and for how long.
Tina Ts last blog post..Men and Their Mamas
2
Christa
// Mar 5, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Thanks Tina. Can you tell me more about the woman that spoke to the parent’s group at your school? Was she affiliated with a particular group? Suicide reeks havoc on so many lives and the pain cuts deep, so very deep. I would love to delve more into how children deal with grief. This issue keeps popping up for me in so many areas of my life. Thanks for the comment and feel free to forward this post to any of the other parent’s in your group.
3
lea Kelley
// Mar 6, 2009 at 2:49 pm
This is so informative and courageous on your part for sharing.
Thank you.
4
susan
// Mar 7, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Thank you for letting me quote this article on my site.
Christa, you are an amazing woman. Take care .
P.S. Love the new picture of Grouchy Dwarf
susans last blog post..A heroine and a blog worth reading
5
Peggy Gaston
// Mar 7, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Thank you so much for sending the email about your site. My son’s death will be 3 years this May and I swear it has gotten harder.
Your site is great and I will come back!
Thanks
6
Christa
// Mar 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm
@ Lea – Your continued support for my mission makes my soul sing.
@ Anna – I do believing in asking and I believe in receiving the goodness God has to offer all of us. We all have deep love and blessing inside us. Let’s shine happiness, spread laughter, bask in the sun of joy and enjoy this great ride we have called life.
@ Susan – Thank you for offering to re-post my article on your site. It is my great honor. I’ll tell my friend Dave you like the drawf (that’s kinda how I look when I get mad, except, I don’t have all that facial hair. *laughing*) Be good to yourself girl – you’re fabulous and don’t forget it!
@ Peggy – I am pleased you welcomed my email. The grief recovery road is long. We never forget. We get through it. I hope you enjoy the site, please feel free to stay a while – and thanks so much for stopping by. I look forward to talking with you more.
7
Annie
// Mar 7, 2009 at 10:58 pm
It’s been a long road for me and many others since my beloved friend took his life in 2001. Reading this post and Iris’s list brought me back to so many moments during that time, when each of us would endure a new emotion or thought during our individual healing processes.
Everyone grieves differently. I think it’s SO important to realize and ACCEPT that fact.
The most important thing is to simply allow yourself the time to heal, and find the support people who will help you through it. Don’t surpress, and DON’T stop talking about it.
Your life surely WILL be changed forever. But the best (and perhaps strangest) truth is that you can find the “dopeness” in the “wackness” that life slides you.
As Niki Sixx says, “It took a funeral to make me feel alive”….and that it did for me…and I will be grateful and will celebrate my friend all the remaining days of my life.
Thanks, Christa & Iris. Excellent work here.
8
Christa
// Mar 7, 2009 at 11:55 pm
@ Annie – Allowing yourself the time to heal – YES – brilliantly said. I appreciate your thoughts and comments on this post – I know it is painful dredging up these emotions and recounting the loss but your strength to SHARE your feelings with us is very powerful and so helpful. THANK YOU!
It also took a funeral to make me feel alive – kudos to you for being grateful and recognizing the preciousness in this life. Suicide was the end of your friend’s life and Jim’s life but in their loss, we gained great understanding and now we stand as Ambassadors for Life.
Cheers to you my fellow Ambassador! Grab your Whoopie cushion and let’s Giggle On! into the sunset. Woo hoooo
9
Annie
// Mar 8, 2009 at 7:19 am
Thanks, Christa!
I’m almost ashamed to admit to you (and everyone else on here) that I don’t own a Whoopie Cushion….however, after writing my post, I DID purchase myself a FABULOUS new Giggle On THONG, a magnet, and a doggie-tee shirt for Miss Gabbilicious.
…now she’ll be even MORE Gabbilicious when we’re on our walkies (and so will I, but in a way more secret kinda way!) wooo-HOOOO!!!!
10
Ronnie Walker
// Mar 8, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Hi Christa,
Glad to see that you posted Iris Bolton’s 25 Tips. My favorite is the last one: “Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and go beyond just surviving.” This offers so much more hope and possibility than the commonly quoted phrase: “You never get over it.”
As a clinician who works with survivors, I have the privilege of witnessing the courage and accomplishments of the survivor journey. If it were not for that, it would be hard to do this work.
In the beginning, survivors experience a nightmarish pain, unlike anything they ever knew existed. Many fear the pain will never end and that they now have no future, other than one of agonizing pain. It is very important to know that this initial pain does diminish with time, and that people do go on eventually, to experience happy, meaningful and contributory lives. This does not happen easily or quickly, but it does happen. There is a “sacred gift” or “wisdom” that accompanies such loss … hard-won and expensive … but empowering to those who choose to make a difference.
11
Christa
// Mar 8, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@ Ronnie – Your comment hit at just the right time today. I’ve been looking through old photos of Jim and my heart is sad.
We can go beyond “just” surviving – we can learn to laugh again. We can in fact…Giggle On!
I found Ronnie’s site For Suicide Survivor’s last year. I recommend it to my fellow survivor’s. It is a WONDERFUL resource. Ronnie also moderates a forum for survivor’s.
Ronnie has useful sections on her site called Facts, Healing Support and Books for Survivor’s – I encourage my fellow SOS’s to check it out.
12
Jackie
// Mar 8, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Two years ago, one of my youngest brothers committed suicide by jumping off a bridge; he was 25. That day, that single event scarred me for life and I truly never thought the day would come when I could be happy again and not feel guilty for moving on.
My healing has been possible due to many factors, which I’m gladly about to list.
Try them all, or as many as you need to… find new ones, just DON’T GIVE UP, because there is happiness after a loved one’s suicide…I promise! Some of the things which were helpful for me: therapy (grief counseling), antidepressants, reading on suicide and surviving it, an online support group (www.survivorsofsuicide.com), having 3 kids who depend on me, talking about my brother’s suicide openly, prayer.
Be strong, have faith and be proactive… there is light at the end of this tunnel.
13
Annie
// Mar 9, 2009 at 8:54 am
Jackie,
I am saddened to read about your brother’s suicide. I’m so sorry. I admire your courage and desire to continue on, and even more, to be so open about the suicide.
You are so right with your list of healing factors.
Thanks for sharing them, and for sharing your story!
14
Erica
// Mar 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I love the 25 tips for survivors. ALL so true.
The most important point for me was to “Set your own limits and learn to say no.”
I was in “survival mode” after the loss and needed to learn to just take care of myself. Once I realized that I needed to put myself first and concentrate on that, I pampered myself in all of my free time. I set limits for what I could and could not take on. If I wanted to lay on the couch and not move that is what I did. I took baths with candles, I got lost in TV shows, and of course, I cried and cried.
Another hard one for me was “Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.” My boss at the time said to me only three months after the loss, that I needed to “Get over it sometime”. It was hard to understand how someone could possibly utter those words. I still do not understand, BUT, they simply had not been through what I was experiencing.
Its hard for the people closest to a suicide survivor to know what to say or do to help. All you want is to have your loved one back, and nothing anyone is going to say or do will make that happen. I tried to let the people closest to me know that its okay that they have nothing to say. I am glad they are there to listen and that is really all I needed.
Thanks Christa, You site is wonderful and so right on! Keep up the good work!!!
15
Paul
// Mar 29, 2009 at 12:49 pm
It will be 2 years on May 7, 2009 that my dad has been dead from shooting himself in the head he was only 54. Before today I did not know about this website but I was reading the News Journal today and I decided to take a look. My heart still hurts and sometimes I just want to cry all day but it is gettin better I still have a ways to go. thank you for the website
16
Annie
// Mar 30, 2009 at 11:13 am
Dear Paul,
I am sorry to read about your loss. I’m sure that there are days when you have a hard time.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel, though, and please know that you’re not alone here.
Christa has done amazing things with her website here. I’m really glad you found a positive place to come for excellent resources, support and a little humor when you need it! I’ve also been very grateful that she continues to do this in her “spare time”!
Be well, Paul.
Annies last blog post..Cherry Danish
17
Karen
// Apr 3, 2009 at 2:42 pm
My friend saved this article for me . I am glad she did. I had a brother commit suicide four months ago and now another brother who has been in rehab from alcoholism is missing. My mother and my two other brothers fear the worse. It is like groundhog day. We have all tried to come to terms with our brothers death four months ago, and now to have these feeling surface all over again. My therapist tells me to look at what you have in your life and see the joy. It will be hard.
18
The Difference Between Depression & Losing Your Mojo | OwningPink
// Jul 21, 2009 at 10:22 am
[...] by Mojo Mentor Christa Scalies. If you’ve lost someone you love to suicide, please read Tips For Suicide Survivors. To read about how depression affects your spiritual direction from Shawna Atteberry’s [...]
19
Sunny
// Mar 24, 2010 at 1:53 am
Thanks for the list Christa. They are things that we think we should know how to do, but completely forget when we are in the thick of a setback. You have helped me gain some perspective today!
xoxox
Sunny
20
Christa
// Mar 25, 2010 at 4:11 pm
@ Sunny – glad to be of service.
21
Lisa from NY
// Jun 30, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I LOST MY SISTER TO “SUICIDE” IN 1981
HOWEVER…THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF SUICIDE WHICH NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED HERE..TRUST ME I KNOW FIRST HAND.
ONE IS SUICIDE.
THE OTHER IS PRESCRIPTION DRUG INDUCED SUICIDE!
CONCEALED SIDE EFFECTS KILLED MY SISTER.
DECADES IN THE DARK MY FAMILY WAS AND STILL OTHER FAMILIES ARE. PLEASE READ MY STORY.
http://www.Drugawareness.org/recentcases/suspicious-suicide-of-sister
http://www.youtube.com/user/3Decadesago
listen to the first video. 1991.
My sister and many others lost their lives even before this year surfaced.
seeking justice for all.
please all send me your coments!!
THE YEARS 1950′S-1980′S ESPECIALLY WENT UNLINKED TO THESE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. IF YOU LOST A LOVED ONE TO SUICIDE DURING THESE YEARS..YOU TOO MAY HAVE YOUR ANSWERS TO WHY!
Lisa from Ny
22
Christa
// Jul 2, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Lisa:
Thank you for contacting me, commenting on the post and forwarding the video. Coming from someone who was medicated for years, I am also convinced many of the medications I was prescribed led to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, Lori, to suicide. I commend your determination to honor her memory and raise awareness about the dangers surrounding RX drugs, children and violence.
With their losses (your sister and my friends) we learn, we grow and most importantly, we learn to live the best lives we can, lives filled with laughter.
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