Journey to prozac, and back

In my blog, Prepare for the Dark Side, I said “no pills or shrinks could lift me out of my funk (my depressed funk)” but it was Jim’s choice to end his life that shocked me into changing my mind-set. Here I talk about my journey to prozac, and back.

That said, or, “point being” as Jim would often say, I still want to take time to talk about some of the help, and hurt, I received from various doctors and mental health professionals over the years. Some professionals people deserve kudos  - others, well…..need a serious Sicilian kick in the ass!

Thanks to the good guys

First let me express my heartfelt thanks to some excellent helpers, Dr. Barbara, my therapist, and Dr. O, my most recent psychiatrist. It took me years to find great people to help me and these two folks are the best mental health professionals I have ever met.

Dr. Barbara was non-judgmental and provided a real action plan to help me dig out of my hole. She didn’t allow me to get stuck in my story of woe and she called me on crap I was trying to dish out (in a very nice way).

Dr. O, my psychiatrist, would actually talk to me and LISTEN to what I had to say. I didn’t feel like a number or a dollar sign to him. He didn’t have me on a ten minute egg-timer when I came into his office. He treated me like a person. I haven’t needed to visit Dr. Barbara for therapy or Dr. O for medication in several years. Should I ever need help again, they will be the first people I call.

All aboard the pharmaceutical crazy train

My pharmaceutical crazy train ride began in my mid 20’s. I didn’t start taking happy pills because of depression (although I was). I started taking happy pills because it was part of the drug du jour program of a now infamous diet doctor from the Main Line in Pennsylvania who was eventually convicted of illegally dispensing diet pills in 1999. Since the age of 10 I’ve struggled with my weight. When I heard about a doctor who “helped” people get really skinny, I didn’t ask how he did it. I didn’t give a crap HOW it happened, just that it happened. I saw evidence first hand of his former patients who were once REALLY B-I-G and then in a matter of 6 months they were run-way model thin.

Remember the diner scene from the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Meg Ryan was faking having an orgasm? Classic! Remember the customer who exclaimed “I’ll have what she’s having!”? Well…..I was that customer! Sign me up for the pills, the voodoo dance – w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r you got. Wrap it up bruther, I’ll take it!

Details? furgetaboutit

When I started with the diet doctor I didn’t ask any details about the medications he prescribed. I later found out I was on an anti-depressant, Zoloft, and some kind of speed pill. I think the idea was the speed helped keep your energy up while you were in the process of starving yourself and the Zoloft kept you from being depressed because of the mood swings caused by….starving yourself. Starving and speeding – starving and speeding – starving and speeding. Oh my Gawd, I’m getting dizzy and having flashbacks!

The diet doctor’s plan worked. I lost weight! I got down to a size 6!!! I also got really sick, lost my mind, screwed up my metabolism (probably for life but hopefully not), nearly crashed my car and killed myself from the effects of the medication. I was a ship wreck – even worse than the Minnow from Gilligan’s Island and the Professor wasn’t around to help fix anything!

The diet doctor was a dumb move. Stupid with a capital and bolded S! The crazy desire to be thin almost killed me.

Card carrying member of the Prozac Nation

After the diet doctor incident, I saw other primary care doctors over a period of many years who told me it was best to keep me on Zoloft due to my mental health history. They later switched me to Prozac for reasons I cannot recall and I stayed on it for many years. I was a card carrying member of the Prozac Nation (and am not proud of it). At some point, I switched to other pills with new names, colors, sizes, shapes and dosages. All these magic potions and elixirs were prescribed by “medical professionals” (quotes represent sarcasm).

Buyer beware!

I’m sure some of these pill pushers suggested I seek therapy but I don’t recall any of them offering solid recommendations for specific therapists to visit or requiring me to sign up for therapy in order to receive medication. I remember seeing one soft spoken psychiatrist, Dr. L., in my home town here in Delaware. As her patient I felt like I was being processed like a chicken nugget on an assembly line. Dip me in egg and roll me in bread crumbs…..then……NEXT!!! My visits were timed to the minute and I was shuffled around her office like a dirty and used piece of paper.

There are plenty of good eggs out there like Dr. Barbara and Dr. O but there’s also a lot of schnooks, quacks, tools and drug pushers. Buyer beware!

Thankfully, this is my blog and I can express (soap box and pontificate) the following firm beliefs based on MY direct experience:

1. Drugs (legal, illegal, coffee, alcohol, magic markers, glue etc.) are not the end-all-be-all answer to the things in life that ail us, make us sad or depressed. In many instances drugs simply mask the problem, possibly numb it for a while, but solving the problem is probably a LONG way off.
2. Western medicine and the mainstream medical profession cannot cure everything.
3. I’m not one to sugar coat a pile of poo and try to convince you it is a piece of chocolate. If you want to heal you simply MUST be prepared to roll up your sleeves and do some work on yourself AND for yourself.

Remember:

• You are your best asset.
• You are worth the effort.
• Your life has great meaning (even if you can’t see it right now).
• You are fantabulous!