Gala Christmas Party

Gala Holiday Party

Holiday Party

FROM: Tina Randolph, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Tina

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FROM: Tina Randolph, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree.

No Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment but we will not play Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song out of respect for Christians, Muslims, Zoroastrians, Presbyterians and so forth.

For the record, the Christmas tree was likely of Pagan origin and Christmas Day is probably the birthday of a Pagan sun god (worshiped by the Romans)….but it’s too late to quibble now. No tree.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Tina

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FROM: Tina Randolph, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3, 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only“, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Tina Randolph, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 5, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men’s table and cake balls on the dessert buffet. Feel free to bring your own rainbow flag. The Grill House will not provide them.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that NO cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. They do not use MSG.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar”, “Stevia” or specific “Splenda” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Tina

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FROM: Tina Randolph, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$**%#g Employees

DATE: December 6, 2008

RE: The  F#$**%#g Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarians!!!

We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*****g salad bar, including organic hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you weirdos can kiss my butt.

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Mine is ruined.

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2008

RE: Tina Randolph and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Tina Randolph a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays! (unless that offends you)

Joan

• Special thanks to my fabulicious friend, Kim, for forwarding this funny holiday e-mail.  I made a couple of artistic Giggle On! changes with links and photos but for the most part, it’s similar to how I received it.  I would love to give credit to who wrote it – if anyone knows, please contact me.

Since I am not politically correct, I wish you all a very Gigglicious and Merry Christa-mas, ooops, Merry Christmas and Buono Natale (that’s the Italian Ho Ho Ho).