There is a fundamental similarity between me and Jake and Elwood Blues.
I am also on a Mission From God.
I know, you’ve never heard of me, but I am the Italian sister from another mister the boys never talked about. I’m here now, finally, as the female black sheep to set the record straight. Sit back with your favorite beverage and turn up the B.B. King.
I DO recognize there are some fundamental differences between myself and the Blues Brothers. For example, I have:
- Never peed standing up
- Never been in a blues band
- Never been on parole
- Never went on a mission to re-form my band and raise money for an orphanage
- Never played a harmonica professionally (but Rosie likes to sing along with a harmonica).
- Never been beaten over the head with a ruler by a nun
- Never been chased by the cops (although I hope to get frisked by the TSA someday)
- Never been on Saturday Night Live
- Never danced in a diner with Aretha Franklin
Instead of focusing on the very obvious differences between me, Jake and Elwood, I prefer to look at our similarities:
- I like to dance spasmodically. I especially love throwing my hands in the air like I don’t care while shaking my boo-taay.
- I look fantastic in black
- I love listening to the blues
- I have slept in my clothes before
- I attended Catholic grade school
- I have some musical ability (I Kazoo, do you?)
- I, too, am on a Mission from God
DREAM SEQUENCE: ON A GIGGLE MISSION FROM GOD
My Giggle Mission unfolds before me like a dream sequence in a major motion picture. “God” AKA the “Man in the Sky” visits me in my sleep at 3:33 in the morning. The Creator of Joy and Laughter speaks to me in a very familiar voice. As HE begins to speak – I think Chevy Chase and golf – but I can’t figure out why. God sure doesn’t sound like Charlton Heston.
The Lord asks me to help Him deliver the Stressites, Grieftons and the giggle deficient to the Luxurious Land of Laughter. “But of course!”, I say to God, “I’ve been trying to make people laugh my whole life!”
DIRECTORS NOTE: Use the camera filter to reduce Ms. Scalies’ forehead wrinkles. Grab the ones we use for Suzanne Sommers and Candy Spelling.
I realize comparing myself to Moses might be considered sacrilegious by some, but this is my dream sequence. Artistic license is mine. *muah-ha-haa* Let’s move on…
After God finishes His initial monologue, He presents me with two tablets captioned. “Laughter Commandments“.
DIRECTORS NOTE: God is being played by Bill Murray. Bill is dressed in overalls. He is wearing Ray-Bans, a worn leather aviator cap with a broken buckle and gold cowboy boots.
SOUND NOTE: cue thunder and lightning bolts track upon presentation of the tablets
PROPS NOTE: the tablets are black boards. The Commandments are written with multicolored pieces of sidewalk chalk
- I am the Lord your God. I am not a white haired smite machine in the sky plotting your destruction. I truly just want you to experience joy. I swear to myself this is so. So help me, me.
- Honor the Laughter. I created it for you. Cherish it and use it daily. Capiche?
- Do not steal another comedian’s joke without giving him credit.
- Use props to help you laugh. Schtick is ok. Clown noses, yodeling pickles, silly string, squirt guns, Laffy Laffalots and whoopie cushions are some of my favorite things (and yes, even I think farts are funny. I created them. I love everything I make. )
- Do not covet thy neighbor’s collection of comedy movies, simply ask to borrow them or get NetFlix.
- Remember a Sabbath day. Any Sabbath day will do. One cannot stress out 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. too much worry will Kill Your Giggle. Take time to relax, rejuvenate and get your Giggle On. Just sayin’…
- Yes, George Carlin made it to heaven. He is now my ghost writer
Sipping a beer atop His Harley, God, (Bill Murray) explains “Your mission is to spread the Laughter Commandments.”
“Your path will be frought with challenges. People may laugh at you, mock you. They may refuse to sell you cups of coffee when you are very, very tired. And, there may also be smiting, pestilence, confusion, car chases and of course, gophers.“
God (Bill Murray) goes on. “You are On a Giggle Mission from God “
Rising up from the background, the original Blues Brothers Band appears and starts to wail on Soul Man.
Everyone dances wildly, including me, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Bill Murray and the gopher.
Scene fades to black. Roll credits.
Keep Your Eyes Peeled for My Upcoming Post: The Day Laffy Laffalot & I Met Dan Ayrkoyd
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: A SPARK OF INSPIRATION
My idea for “Giggle Mission from God” was inspired in part by the Blues Brothers movie and by Rev. Susan Sparks. I recently finished reading her book, Laugh Your Way to Grace. Susan is an ex-lawyer turned comedian and Baptist minister. Now THAT’S funny!
Susan believes, like I do, that God isn’t sitting on top of a cloud preparing to punish us (like the IRS). Sparks asks readers to view God more as a respected friend and not as a fearful authoritarian figure. “It’s time to end our spiritual geliophobia. It’s time to unpack our fears and find the God behind the legend.”
What if we looked at God as the King of Comedy instead of the King of Pain?
Laugh Your Way to Grace is available at Amazon. I encourage you to pick up a copy for yourself.