How to be Chronically Stressed Out


Stop trying to find your center, balance your chi and find nirvana. Seriously. Just stop. Everyone in “the know” knows peace, balance and happiness is reserved for dead people and yogis. Being chronically stressed is a skill.  Here’s the great news! Everyone can learn how to be a stressed-out mastermind! 

Follow our 8 recommendations and in no time you’ll be on your way to living a life of toxicity, poor health and desperation. Awesome, riiiiight?

Toxic Tips to Become Chronically Stressed Out

  1. PERFECTION. Everything needs to be right. No mistake can ever be made. Ever.
  2. DRINK, DRUG and MUNCH. Alcohol, drugs and pizza are the only friends you need. Avoid eating kale.
  3. STRESS MAGNET. Suck in, slather on and absorb other people’s stress, bad-vibes and ugly JooJoo.
  4. BE A SLAVE TO MONEY. The person with the most toys wins. Everyone knows it.
  5. STAY AWAKE. Sleeping is for dead people and politicians. Hook yourself up to a caffeine IV drip.
  6. EMOTIONS ARE FOR WUSSIES. Feelings are not to be shared. They are to hidden away in a dark sealed box. Duh!
  7. DON’T TOUCH PEOPLE. Hugs are for Mr. Rogers. You don’t need human contact. Tell people to piss off.
  8. SIT. LAY DOWN. PLANT YOURSELF. Exercise makes people sweat. That’s yukky.

To maximize ill health, follow the above guideline daily to supercharge toxic level of stress hormones in your body. With nasty chemicals running through your system, and limited or no way to metabolism them, you’ll soon be cooking up a host of physical and mental problems. Won’t THAT be fun?

Repeating some or all the the steps above will result in heart problems, high blood pressure, pain, skin problems, sleeping problems, weakened immune system, diabetes, infertility, and emotional problems. (a)

Oh…wait…  You’re a rebel you say? Have issues with authority?  Fine.

Do the opposite of these, then.

The happier, healthier life you’ll have will be your problem.

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